It’s 6:00 pm on Sunday. How is it already 6 pm? I took a very long nap (about an hour long) at 3 pm today. I haven’t stepped outside of my house today, mainly because it’s 102 degrees outside and the air conditioning feels so nice. I might go out later. I don’t have any plans, but sometimes it’s nice to just get out and do something, even if I just go to Barnes and Noble and look at books. I actually got on a very cute outfit, if I do say so myself, right when I woke up (at 8:30 am). I didn’t want to stay in my pajamas all day. I even did my makeup. I changed back into my pajamas hours later because I decided to stay home. I know, this is SUCH a fascinating story. LOL.
Anyway, I felt so blegh today. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, starting with a long to- do list of everything I have to do before I move in two months, to a falling out with a friend, and rude/insensitive things that people have said to me. I actually called a friend and talked to her for almost an hour. I just needed someone to listen. It’s amazing how you can feel so blegh all day and then almost instantly feel better after pouring your heart out. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I’ve also been trying to remind myself that maybe the people who said those things didn’t mean to be rude/insensitive. I’m a really sensitive person, which can feel like a curse in today’s day and age.. but I have to remember that my sensitivity is a blessing, and not a curse. I have to be gentle with myself and trust that everything will work out. Yes, I move in two months and don’t have a place to live yet, but I get things done very quickly and this too will be something I will get done.
I can think of all the worst case scenarios and go over the “what if’s” in my head a million times. “What if I don’t get along with my roommates? What if they don’t like me? What if the apartment I want isn’t available by the time we’re ready to sign the lease? What if the DC metro construction delays are really bad next year? What if there’s a blizzard next year and the buses stop running? What if I don’t get any financial aid? What if I can’t handle having a part-time job and being a full-time graduate student?”
And what if everything will be fine? I have anxiety. It’s something I’ve dealt with since I was a young girl and I have been diagnosed with it by multiple therapists. It’s not something that I’m ashamed of because I work really hard to keep my anxiety at bay and to take care of myself. I actually take medication for my anxiety, which is a recent thing. I try to sit down and journal if I’m really worried about an upcoming event or situation. I call friends who I know will listen to me and encourage me. I’ve been to a support group where I can share what I’m experiencing and struggling and receive support from people who get it. I’ve learned to surround myself with people who don’t say dumb things like, “Don’t worry” or “You worry too much.” Tell me something I don’t know. Or my personal favorite (that’s definitely sarcasm): “You need to let things go. You’re way too tense.” You might have said these things to someone with anxiety and the thing is, we know we’re worrying too much. We know it’s not logical or realistic, but we can’t help it. It’s how my brain functions. I know that it’s pointless to worry and that I can’t control the situation, no matter how much I worry. I have a saying I read years ago that I like to repeat to myself, “Whether I worry or not, the outcome will still be the same.” While I sometimes feel like I have a long way to go, I’ve made so much progress in dealing with my anxiety in the last year. It’s helped so much to have the most free time I’ve had in more than five years. With so much free time, I can relax and rest and take as much time as I need to de-stress and calm myself. I wasn’t as worried about things last month and even now, I’m okay. I know that things will work out. Everything will be just fine. It’s just the middle part that gets murky sometimes, the in-between, if you will. I’ll look back at this post next year and laugh. I’ll remember how quickly I signed the lease and how easily I was able to move in and how my friend and I either reconciled or I let that friendship go. I’ll laugh because I had doubted myself for absolutely no reason. Until then, I’ll just keep going. One small step at a time. I’ll take deep breaths and think only of this moment. I don’t know what i’m doing tomorrow or the next day or next week. I don’t even know what I’ll be doing in the next hour, but I know that right now, in this moment, I am doing all I can to help myself. I am being gentle with myself and for right now, that’s enough.